What Is and what should never be
by Blue-o-Rice
Summary: Title says it all, set after 3x07, Michael and Nikita drama ;)
1. Part I

_**Hello Everyone! **_

_**Well, after this horribly terryfying episode last Friday(How could they do that to Michael?!) I had to write down something! This is my first (hopefully not last story here) I hope u will leave a comment, say what you think ;) **_

_**I don't own anything. **_

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**~What Is and What Should Never Be.~**

**-Part I-**

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Silence was broken by echoing sound of high heels rhythmically striking granite floor.

Despite obvious sign that someone just had entered the Ops, Michael didn't react. He kept his head down, deeply focused on some file he was reading. Or so he pretended.

Nikita clenched her lips. That scene was just like every other day for the past two weeks.

Ignorance.

It was tough time for all of them and Michael was more indrawn than ever. He isolated himself from every other human being with a thick wall of ignorance. He didn't even want to let Nikita in.

In fact, Michael was avoiding her like a disease.

She saw how he looks at his hand with disgust. She knew how much not being able to go into the field means to him. Many times she tried to comfort him, hug him tight to let him know that he is not alone with this but every time she had made an attempt, every time their bodies had touched Michael was cringing.

Nikita, reluctantly accepting this complete silence, took out a bag and started to pack her gears. Another rogue Division agent was on their radar. She and Owen were assigned to take him down.

The only sound filling the room was clicking of a gun which she was loading and unloading to check if it works properly. She wasn't letting Michael out of her sight though, waiting for a glance or a word, anything that would mean he knows she is here. But her hopes were vain.

Nikita was becoming annoyed. The topic of that accident had been forbidden. Every time Nikita had tried to start a conversation Michael was suddenly busy or tired. He had let her know that he hadn't considered it worth discussing. But it was unavoidable. She put the gun back on a table with loud bang. " Ok, Michael that's enough"

He lifted his head with surprised look on his face, like he saw her for the first time in his life.

"You can't constantly push me away. Finally we will have to talk about this ." She said.

"I don't want to talk." Michael simply stated.

"You think I don't know what you are going through? You think it is easy for me to live with what I had to do? It's not. But I don't regret it." Michael looked at her with surprise as she continued." If I was in this situation again I would do the same thing because otherwise you would be dead. And I wouldn't let that happen. You are alive and that's all that matters to me. I love you Michael." She made a step towards him.

"What am I supposed to do? I can't load a gun or shoot straight. I can't do my job anymore. I'm useless Nikita! "

"It's not true."

" Really? Because you are clearly thinking I'm not able to do anything by myself. I can't even make freaking sandwich without your assistance!"

I am trying to help you! I understand it is not easy to adjust to this situation when-"

"I don't want your help! And don't expect me to be grateful that you saved my life. I didn't ask for it."

These words made Nikita froze. "You don't mean this." She whispered.

"Yes I do." His voice was stern.

"I don't understand you, Michael. I am trying so hard but I don't….I don't understand why do you keep pushing me away. Unless… " -her voice trembled when a frightening idea came to her mind. She looked at him with fear in her eyes and continued.- "…unless you don't love me anymore. "

Michael averted his gaze. "You should finish packing. Plane leaves in two hours."

"Nikita I need your report on…." Ryan approached them but Nikita wasn't listening.

She was intensively gazing into Michael's face. She was looking for some sign that he is lying. Twitching cheek muscle or pulsating vain on his neck. Anything. She wanted to find it so hard but all she got was sorrow in his eyes.

"Nikita do you hear me? " Ryan asked once more when didn't get answer.

"Not now Ryan " she said harshly and left Ops as quick as possible.

Nikita didn't allow her emotions to surface until she was two levels higher, on Sublevel 6.

This floor was always empty. She didn't have to fear of accidentally meeting someone and provoking unwanted questions. She rested her back against the wall and let the tears fall freely.

For the first time Nikita started to doubt in Michael. Had he ever loved her? If he can switch off his feelings whenever he wants to, were they ever real?

Doubt is a dangerous feeling. Once it sneaks into your heart it is hard to get rid of. Doubt roots in deep into every memory and you start to question every truth you ever believed in.

All Nikita wanted right now was to sit there and cry until the pain will go away.

And she was about to do so when a strange noise reached her ears.

No one should be here right now. This floor is out of use since months. Nikita wiped the tears from her face and silently walked through the empty corridor straining her ears. Sound was hushed and continuous like typing on a computer keyboard.

She approached the proper door and silently pressed the door handle.

Meanwhile in Ops:

"That's enough Michael. "–Alex said harshly stopping in front of the man.

She watched whole scene from the distance and although she didn't know what they were talking about, there was no doubt that Michael pushed Nikita away once again.

She was done watching how Michael is hurting her best friend. Someone needs to confront him. She needs to confront him.

"Listen, I totally understand you are having a rough time but this is taken too far. Nikita doesn't deserve to be treated like that."

"I know" Michael simply answered.

"So can you tell me why you keep acting like this? "

"She deserves better than me."

"Oh come on... "–Alex snorted.- "How old are you? 12? Cause lately you are acting like an immature kid who is concentrated all about himself. You are so focused on your pain and your tragedy that you miss the fact that Nikita is suffering with you. She was the one who had to make the tough decision. And now you treat her like worst enemy. She thinks you hate her for what she did. I'm not finished yet! "- Alex silenced Michael seeing that he wants to cut in.-" And I hope I don't have to remind you that you are doing the same thing everybody else did to her. You are pushing her away. You of all people should know it hurts her more than anything. And yeah, you are right, she deserves better than this asshole you are right now, but unlucky for her Nikita loves you. And whatever you would do to hurt her she will never leave you. So get your ass together and start acting like a grownup or I swear I will cut you off something else. And prosthesis will not help you this time. "

Alex had almost lost her breath during this speech.

When she had finished, all her self-confidence disappeared. In fact she started to wonder that maybe she said few words too much.

With a feeling that she is starting to blush, Alex decided to leave and let Michael think through everything he had heard. She felt that few more seconds and she will apologize to him.

She disappeared from his sight as soon as possible.

Michael was shocked with Alex's sudden outburst. Since the accident no one dared to be rude to him. Everyone treated him like a broken puppy. This was the first time someone talked to him like nothing had happened.

Michael reminded himself of every moment spent with Nikita since that day. Most of the time, he was snarling at her or worse, he was ignoring her. He even stopped being interested how she feels or what she thinks. All he wanted is to be left alone.

And what Nikita did? She was still there for him. Always trying to comfort him, to let him know that he is being loved. She was by his side despite the fact that he did everything to discourage her.

In that moment Michael felt like a total jerk. How could he be so blind and stupid to hurt the only person who was making his life worth living right now? He quickly checked something on the computer and left Ops.

According to Nikita's tracker, she was on sublevel 6. Michael was not surprised. She was often going there when she needed moment of solitude.

He was getting nervous while standing in elevator and watching how numbers are changing. Alex was right. He became so focused on his tragedy that he forgot that he is not the only one who suffers.

When elevator's door opened he had an impression that he sees shadow disappearing around the corner but with a blink of an eye it was gone. It must have been flickering lights.

Michael came over to the conference room where Nikita was supposed to be and knocked lightly on the door.

" Nikita?"

Well, he would be really surprised if she wanted to see him right now.

"It's me. I'm sorry. Can we talk? " He said mildly.

No answer. Michael wrinkled his forehead and opened the door. Room seemed to be empty.

He hated this weird dimmed light in Division. It was supposed to make you feel like it is natural sunlight but all he felt was chills going down his spine.

Nikita always trusted her instincts and so did he. When you spend so much time with other person you somehow repossess their habits. So when Michael was about to leave, he trusted a strong hunch to turn back one more time. And when he did, he realized the room is not empty. He spotted a bloodied hand protruding from behind a couch with a familiar ring on the finger.

"Oh no…" Michael gasped.

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_**Forgive me possible grammar mistakes, English is not my first language. :) PLease leave a review! :)**_

_**-Sylvia-**_


	2. Part II

_**Well... I have no idea why do you guys assumed that Nikita cut off her hand ;P Maybe my grammar/english issues were the cause... **_

_**Anyhow, I assure you that was not my intention. ;) **_

_**Enjoy and leave a review!**_

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**-Part II-**

"October 23th, 2012. 8.30 a.m. First interrogation of David Porter."

Alex said calmly to the recording device which was lying on the table between her and the subject of interrogation. Then she looked indifferently at man in front of her and began:

"Is your name David Porter? " Despite the rage she had in her heart, face and voice were cold and calm.

"Yes."

"How long do you work in Division?"

"6 years now."

She was studying carefully his facial expression, pupil's size and pulse.

Few control questions were necessary to receive an image on how Porter reacts when he tells the truth and when he lies.

"Your mother's middle name?"

"Teresa. You want her phone number too?" he smirked. Alex ingnored it.

"Ok, let's get to the point". Alex focused her eyes on his face and it's even slightest moves. "What were you doing yesterday around 12 a.m.?"

Moment of hesitation. "I don't remember."

"According to your tracker…" Alex took an unnecessary look into a file. She knew exactly what location it had pointed. "…you were on sublevel 6. This floor is out of use. What were you doing there? "

"I must have got lost." Porter maintained eye contact. Nothing in his face had betrayed him. Pulse was steady. Maybe too steady considering the fact that he was being interrogated. Either he was that good or he was telling the truth. His arrogant attitude made Alex feel sick.

" David, I'm trying to be nice here But my patience is limited. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me exactly what happened yesterday." Seeing his arrogant gaze hadn't change a bit she added: "Michael really wanted to be here. He insisted to be the one to interrogate you. If you will get on my nerves like that I will let him do this. "

_Got you_. Alex smiled. There was a glimpse of fear in his eyes. He is guilty.

"Ok, ok. " he surrendered. " I was there because I needed to work on my assignment alone. Ryan was rushing me to finish it but I could't get it done cause there is always too crowded here and constantly someone wants me to do something else. So I thought I will go somewhere where no one will disturb me. "

_Bullshit. _Alex thought but didn't let her emotions surface. Her face was as indifferent as previously when she said: "And what happened then?"

Porter sighed.

"Someone did disturb me. It hadn't been even a quarter when Nikita came in. She was furious. I hadn't seen her like that before. She attacked me before I had a chance to explain myself. It was self-defense, ok?"

"You think I am going to believe you?"

"You see? " Porter raised his voice. "That's why I didn't want to tell anything! You are all about yourselves. Your little gang is holding together and you have each other's backs no matter what! You came here assuming I am the bad guy here and whatever I had to say is not important because you already judged me! You guys treat the rest of us like chess pieces. "Do this", "go there" but you never explain anything! You may think you are better from Percy or Amanda but that's not true. You are all the same. Power is like disease. And it makes you a slave. You will always crave for more-"

"I think we are done here." Alex stood up ." I will be back in an hour hope you will refresh your memory. "

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"How did it go?" Michael stopped pacing back and forth as soon as Alex entered the Ops. From her face he read that it hadn't gone well.

Alex sighed trying to find proper words. She didn't want upset Michael more than he already was.

" His version of events is that… Nikita attacked him and he was acting in self-defense. "

"Son of a bitch is lying!" Michael said angrily.

"Michael… easy. "Ryan tried to calm him down. "You need to take a step back. We will manage this situation but your anger is not the solution here. We….have no prove that he is lying. Until we find one you need to keep your temper-"

"You believe him?!"

"No. But I have to be objective. I'm sorry for Nikita too but we can't let emotions cloud our judgment. We have to act professional and treat this case like every other. Until he is proven guilty, my hands are tied."

"Cloud our judgement?! Do you hear yourself?! Nikita is dying there. He did this!"

Michael was definitely driven by emotions. But who wouldn't be after what he had seen back there?

Michael clenched his eyes trying to chase away all those memories that had stuck in his head and were flashing before his eyes over and over again.

Image of unconscious Nikita lying in a puddle of blood. The feeling or her pale and cold skin as he was checking her pulse. Panic when he discovered stab wound on her side which was bleeding so severely that his jacket was soaked within minutes.

Fear when he called Ops for help. Then the moment when terrified Alex stormed into the room with doctors by her side...

Michael hit the metal table with his right hand. It didn't work. Memories didn't go away. Pain didn't drown them because pain was something he was about to never experience again in this hand. And he was still forgetting about that.

"Look. " Alex approached him and put her hand supportively on his shoulder. "You should go to Nikita. I will make sure Porter stays locked up until she wakes up. Then she will tell us what really happened."

Alex felt an urge to step in to because she saw in Michael's eyes the same desperation and rage he had engraved back there in conference room. He looked like a lunatic.

She winced as memories came back to her as well.

"_What the hell happened?" Alex asked when she saw Michael kneeling beside her best friend's body. He was pressing his jacket to her side. _

_Michael moved away from her letting medical stuff to take care of Nikita. Then he looked at his shirt covered with blood and said with a voice drained from emotion: "I'm going to find out. Stay with her." When Alex looked at his face she gasped. It was unbelievably calm but his eyes were burning with desperation. _

_As soon as he left, Alex called Owen and Ryan to make sure the will keep an eye on him. Michael looked like he was about to do something horrible. __Or stupid._

_Or both…._

_If Owen wouldn't be ahead of him and hadn't locked up Porter before Michael got to him it would end badly. _

Michael looked at Alex and his eyes became milder. She understood what is going on inside of him.

He might have blamed Porter for what happened but deep down he knew who is truly responsible.

He was mostly mad at himself. For his last words to Nikita which he wished to take back. After all , their fight had been the reason why she went to sublevel 6 and bumped into someone she shouldn't have.

Getting revenge on David Porter wouldn't take back time or make him feel less guilty. In fact it would make him feel even worse. But it was hard for him to see things clearly right now. Alex knew that.

Michael nodded to her letting her know that he understood and directed his steps to Medical Wing.

Birkoff was sitting with Nikita right now, it's time to change him.

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**_End of Part II! _**

**_Which is suprising because at first I didn't plan for it to be multi chapter story,_**

**_but I got so drawn into this that what the hell, there will be part III ;P _**

**_Be well! :*_**

**_-Sylvia-_**


	3. Part III

_**I'm so grateful for all the reviews :) this is really motivating, keep it that way! P **_

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**-Part III-**

"Anything? " Michael sat down next to Birkoff in Nikita's room.

"No…" Birkoff shook his head. "They say everything depends on her will to live."

"Well, then we have nothing to worry about. " Michael managed a weak smile.

He was staring ahead, lost in thoughts. At that moment, Michael was trying to figure out different version of events. Just like he did after the accident.

Would it happen if he had gone immediately after Nikita ? What if he held his peace and just walked away when he knew he might say few words to many?

What if….

Michael covered his face with left hand. It doesn't matter. It had happened and there is not a deamn thing he can do about it.

"Do you believe that? "Birkoff asked breaking the silence. "That Nikki really attacked him?"

"Of course not." Michael answered without hesitation. " Wait…. You know about this already?" He looked surprised.

"Yeah, Alex sent me the recording. " Birkoff pointed his tablet laying on a chair next to him. "Son of a Bitch is slippery."

" No argument there." Michael sighed. " Listen…. You should go and eat something or they will put you here as well. Go, I will stay with her. "

"Are you sure? " Birkoff looked at his friend with concern.

"Of course. " Muscle on Michael's cheek twitched.

"If you needed anything…"

"Birkoff….." Michael was tired of overprotectiveness over him. Despite their good intentions, this was deepening his bad mood more than anything. Constant reminder of his disability.

"Right"

When door closed and he was left alone with her, the only sound was from a beeping machine which was measuring Nikita's heart rate.

Michael knew she will wake up soon. And when she does he wanted to be here. He found more comfortable position on the chair.

He knew he was hard to live with since…. –he glanced at the high-tech device which he was supposed to treat as his hand.- THAT happened. Honestly speaking living with himself wasn't easy either.

He couldn't accept anyone's help until he would accept himself. And that still wasn't happening.

What he valued the most was the feeling to be needed, useful, having the ability to protect and making this world better. He was always a type of idealist. Michael could never endure that he is useless. And that's how he felt right now. He felt like a burden, a needless object which everyone is moving from one spot to another just to remove it from their way.

Michael was staring at his brand new hand still not resigned to what he sees. Accepting those boundaries which now were more distinct than ever was the hardest thing he ever done.

He wasn't ready to tell all that anyone. Not just yet.

* * *

Nikita moved and regretted it instantly. She moaned as million ice cold needles cut through her side, spreading all the way to the spine. Her vision was blurred, body unfamiliarly numb and she tried to remind herself how had she ended up in a cramped room with metal door. A moment had passed until she recognized Medical. Nikita was rarely there as a patient so this perspective was unfamiliar. Irritating pain in her side must have been the reason she got here in the first place. About the rest, she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Hi." She heard a familiar voice.

Nikita's face showed honest surprise when she saw Michael sitting next to her bed. Seeing him always filled her heart with warm sensation. This time it was followed by a memory of their last fight. Not a pleasant one. She was not sure where they stand now. But there are more pressing questions right now.

"What happened? "She asked.

"I thought you will have an answer for that question. l found you unconscious in conference room. You don't remember anything?"

"I…" she closed her eyes trying to recall something but everything was a blurry mist of memories. She forced her brain to cooperate. Pictures started to slowly unravel like in an old movie.

"Simon Porter who was there according to his tracker, says that you attacked him and he stabbed you in self-defense." Michael said hoping it will help.

Nikita opened her eyes and stared ahead blankly for a moment and then she exhaled. "Yeah, that's right. "

"What?" Michael didn't see that coming.

"I was… I lost self-control, I'm sorry. "

_Did Nikita just lie to him?_ Michael raised his left hand. " What the hell is going on?"

Michael was baffled. Why is she lying to him? He stood up and started to pace back and forth to collect his thoughts. "Why are you covering for him?"

"I'm not. "

"Nikita, I know you. You don't do such things."

"Well, then I guess I still can surprise you." Her eyes were calm and indifferent as she was looking at him.

She was definitely lying. Question is why? Had Porter threatened her?

No… Nikita is not a person who gets intimidated easily.

Then it must have been something she believed in. She always stands up for what she believes in. But God... whatever would that be, that guy stabbed her!

Michael smiled ironically when he realized this situation is very familiar. This is exactly how Nikita must have felt for the past tree weeks while he was keeping her at the distance trying to fight his demons on his own. How stupid that was?

If she doesn't want to tell, he should respect that. But it doesn't mean that he will leave it like that. Michael looked at her with concern.

"I'm glad you are awake." he said and left.

Nikita sighed and rested her head on a pillow. She was exhausted and her side was throbbing so thinking was coming with great effort. But when she heard name : "Porter" her chaotic thoughts went back to their right place.

Once again she saw his burning eyes as he raised his head when she entered conference room. She saw what he was holding in his hands. "No one can know about this" she heard his trembling voice one more time.

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**_I guess there will be part IV :P_**

**_but unfortunately my exams are beginning and I will be veeery busy in February..._**

**_I will try to find some time to write though._**

**_-Sylvia-_**


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